Staying connected and building a strong relationship with your teenager takes more than simply being around each other. Due to COVID-19, it is likely you have spent a larger quantity of time with your teen, but how would you rate the quality of your time together? Building closeness in your relationship requires you to be available and responsive to what your teen needs. 

Here are a few tips to keep in mind when trying to connect with your teen.

1. Be intentional about connecting.  It’s impossible to have a close relationship with your teen if you aren’t regularly spending time together. Whether it's ten minutes before bedtime or eating dinner together every night, make time to connect with your teen everyday. Connecting can be spontaneous or planned. As often as possible, be visibly present and available when your kids are home. Develop routines where you spend time interacting: have a cup of tea together before bed, take a walk for ice cream on Friday nights, cook breakfast together in the kitchen while your teen is catching up on homework. He or she may not act thrilled during the entirety of these activities, but they will appreciate the predictability and routine. These types of activities give teens a dependable time to bring something up with you that may be bothering them. Don't expect your son or daughter to share everything at each interaction, but if you set up enough regular opportunities to be together, it will happen. 

2.  Be available when they initiate.  Parents who have close relationships with their kids have often made a habit to drop everything else if their teen shows a desire to talk. Of course, this can be difficult to do because you have a lot of responsibilities. However, as often as you can, stop what you’re doing and give your teen your full attention, especially if they ask for it! Connecting works best when you send the message that your teen is of upmost importance to you. Look at your teen when she’s talking to you. If you can’t give her your full attention when she asks, let her know you want to give her your full attention and when you will circle back. Then follow through. Nothing makes teens clam up faster than pushing them to talk when they aren’t ready. Your teen will talk to you if you've proven yourself to be a good listener. Find ways to be in proximity where you’re both potentially available, without it seeming like a demand. 

3. Get to know them. Ask questions about what interests them and discover what they enjoy. You see him every day, but do you really know the latest happenings in his world? Be curious and find ways to ask him questions, without forcing it. Show interest. Encourage your teen to expand on what he’s saying and explore his opinions, feelings and goals. Listen to your teen as though they’re a new friend you’re getting to know. When he’s talking, don’t interrupt or overwhelm him with advice. Just be a safe place for him to be himself. Don’t take it personally if he’s not in the mood to talk. Pause, listen and reflect. Be consistent in showing interest and build trust.

4.  Praise and encourage them! Parents tend to praise children more when they are younger, but teenagers need the encouragement just as much! Adolescents might act like they’re don’t care what their parents think, but the truth is they still want your approval.  It can be hard to be positive when you are dealing with mood swings and often feel unappreciated. Remember that you set the example for the household and model how you want to be treated. Easily connect with your teen on a daily basis by saying “I love you” often and telling them something specific that you admire and appreciate about them. 

5. Make their interests your interests. Schedule a date to do something your teen enjoys! Let her choose what you’ll do, and follow her lead. This will motivate her to want to spend time with you. Try to be enthusiastic and genuine—actively participate and show her she’s important to you—what she’s interested in, you’re interested in. Start small and keep it brief if this is new for the two of you—try getting a cup of coffee at her favorite spot, read a book about a topic she’s interested in or watch a show she enjoys together. Don’t give up! It might take a few different attempts, but the more time you spend together, the more comfortable and natural it will be. When teens feel overloaded or nit-picked, they can get resentful and be distant. If they feel like you are genuinely interested in spending time with them doing something they like, you have a better chance of them wanting to spend time with you. 

   As children get older, it can be more difficult to connect--especially in the teen years. A teen's unhappiness can create stress and anxiety for the parents. Your teen still needs a strong relationship with you to feel safe and secure. Teens who have a warm, stable and trusting relationship with their parents are better equipped to become reliable and confident adults.  It’s never too early or late to have a strong relationship with your teen. It can be a slow process that requires patience and perseverance, but it is worth taking the time and intentionality to achieve more connection. Stay present, show interest and be available. 

   If you or your teen could use additional support, please feel free to schedule a consultation with me below.