Boundary Basics
What are boundaries and why are they so important? A boundary is a personal “property line” that symbolizes the things we are responsible for; it draws a limit. Boundaries separate your feelings, needs, responsibilities and physical space from others. Many of us have a hard time saying no, so it’s important to recognize what is and isn’t okay. Throughout the course of our lives, we will be confronted with how to navigate boundaries in our relationships with friends, family, & work. This may be a particular challenge for women as, often, young women are not encouraged to identify and assert their boundaries. Oftentimes, conflicts we have in relationships over how much time, money or energy will be spent on a task, activity or with other people are examples of a boundary problem.
According to Dr. Henry Cloud, a boundary is an imaginary line that separates me from you. Boundaries define who we are and who we are not. They are the limits you set to protect yourself and take responsibility for your actions. Most people don’t realize what their boundaries are until they’ve been crossed. When someone violates your boundary, you can feel used, angry, or resentful.
Your boundaries are important because they tell other people how they can treat you - what is acceptable and what isn’t. If you don’t have clear boundaries for yourself, it is difficult to set limits. An emotional boundary separates your feelings from another’s feelings. Violations can include blaming others for your problems, sacrificing your own needs to please another, taking responsibility for another’s feelings and not being able to sort your own feelings from someone else’s. Relationships of all kinds need boundaries because they separate your feelings, needs, responsibilities and space from others. Healthy relationships do not exist without healthy boundaries.
What do boundaries allow?
1. Boundaries allow you to be confident and true to who you are.
Boundaries allow you to have your own feelings, ask for what you want and make your own decisions. They help you worry less about what others think and be accountable for yourself and your actions. Knowing your limits helps you connect with who you are and what’s important to you. It takes support, time and effort to know yourself well enough to set effective boundaries. Setting boundaries is not selfish. It is important to set limits on what you will or won’t do so you can say “yes” to yourself more often. When someone asks you to do something that will require your time or money, take space to evaluate. Is it something you’re interested in being a part of? Do you want to spend your time or money in different ways?
Setting a limit can feel scary, but it can also feel empowering. It gets easier the more you practice!
2. Boundaries create realistic expectations for yourself & others.
When you communicate your boundaries, people know what is expected of them and how to treat you. When expectations are hidden or unclear, anger and resentment can grow, creating distance in an unhealthy way. If you are clear on how much you can handle, you will be more likely to say “no” to the things you don’t have time or energy for. You will be less likely to overextend yourself and only say “yes” when you mean it! Boundaries are most effective when you are assertive, clearly communicate, firm and kind.
3. Boundaries create space for strong relationships. If we don’t take the time to think about what’s important to us in our relationships (intentionality, ability for honest feedback, trust, etc), we can wind up spending time with people who don’t make us feel safe or secure. When you are clear about your boundaries and what’s important to you, you will feel lead a more fulfilled and happier life.
Learning how to create, hold and honor your (and other people’s!) boundaries can be a difficult task. Journaling, reading books, and talking with a therapist can provide the extra support you need to define and be accountable to the boundaries you set. Boundaries are critical to live the healthy and happy life you crave.
Thanks for reading! I look forward to writing more on the importance of boundaries in future posts!