Figuring out whether your child is an introvert or an extrovert is not always an easy task. As a mother to 3 girls (including one identical twin who is introverted, one who is extroverted!), I am constantly looking for similarities and differences in how my girls relate with one another and their environment. One of the things I love most about being a therapist is helping parents decipher their children’s personality types using the Myers Briggs Typing Inventory (MBTI). 

Each of us experiences life differently and we develop a variety of strategies to get us through life. There are many misconceptions when it comes to introversion and extroversion. Being introverted does not automatically mean you are quiet or shy. Similarly, being extroverted does not simply mean you are outgoing or loud. Understanding how you are wired and discerning your child’s personality type can help you communicate, understand each other & connect more easily.  In my experience, many conflicts can be avoided if we can learn to appreciate the differences in our children’s personalities, instead of taking them personally. 

Everyone is born with a genetic predisposition toward a personality type. Although all kids display extroverted & introverted traits, they innately prefer one style over the other. Most experts agree that temperament (such as introversion or extroversion) is hard-wired. So, although we change and grow with time, we are born as either introverts or extroverts. It is possible to start noticing if your child shows signs of introversion or extroversion as early as four months old!

Your child may be an introvert if they…

• Enjoy spending time in solitude and would rather not be the center of attention 

• Need time alone to recharge and reflect

• Tend to think before they speak and prefer being in quiet environments

• Value close one-on-one relationships

• Seem to focus on one thing at a time instead of jumping from activity to activity

• Prefer their privacy and regularly search for places to be alone when overstimulated or overwhelmed

Your child may be an extrovert if they…

• Enjoy being the center of attention & gain energy from being around other people 

• Tend to think out loud & make quick decisions 

• Have a variety of friends and enjoy groups of people

• Look to others for feedback and tend to be verbal processors

• Relish variety and action; enjoy learning by doing 

• Seem bored or depressed when they have to spend a lot of time alone

Observe your child in their natural environments. Does your child’s energy seem to flow more outward or inward? Introverts have energy that flows inwards, whereas extroverts have energy that flows outwards. The main difference between introverts and extroverts is this: for introverts, their inner world is the “real world.” For extroverts, their external world is the “real world.” Introverts will typically pause slightly before they speak, as if they’re checking to make sure what they are about to say resonates internally before they share it “to the world.” Extroverts are the opposite – they often speak while they’re thinking, as if hearing their thoughts outside themselves helps them understand their inner truth.

Extroverts’ enthusiasm, eagerness, and focus is on the outside world.  This can be expressed in different ways: Some extroverts want to spend a lot of time engaging socially with others, while others enjoy discussing ideas and theories. This can mean that they enjoy being social, but it can also mean that they are drawn to the activity and action around them. They naturally engage with their environment and want to stay involved with it more often than not. Extroverted children enjoy being active with a mixture of activities. Extroverts tend to be doers first, reflecting later on their experiences. Extroverts gain energy and happiness from being around others and interacting with a variety of individuals and situations. Too much time to themselves can leave extroverts feeling bored and restless, needing interaction with their environment to ‘recharge’. This doesn’t always involve people– going outside or out of their current environment can be enough to regain energy. Extroverts are energized by interacting with others and the world around them, while introverts are drained by too much interaction, particularly with large groups and people they do not know well.

Does your child like to retreat to their room to imagine, daydream, think, or reflect for long periods of time? Introverted children are more easily over-stimulated, even as babies. Having a lot of people over or hearing a lot of noises and bright lights around them can feel overwhelming. Introverts can get bored when they have to focus on activities and outer-world projects for long stretches of time. They like to get inside their heads and prefer calm, peaceful environments where they can reflect deeply. An introvert is not necessarily shy, or someone who hates being around others. They simply need time alone after social or stressful situations, preferring to recharge their batteries in the quiet and solitude.

The exception to this is when an introvert makes space for another person in their ‘inner world’. This is why you might hear people say, “My daughter is much more outgoing/talkative when she is home!” She is likely an introvert, who is more expressive when she is with the people she feels closest.  Introverts tend to need time to warm up to new people and can sometimes seem like a different person around their close friends & family.

Does your child seem sensitive to their environment?  An introverted child may get overwhelmed and drained in loud places, while an extroverted child will tend to be curious and excited by busy environments. Introverts tend to seek less sensory stimulation in their environment, while extroverts need more stimulation. What an introvert may consider noisy or overwhelming might seem normal or exciting to an extrovert.

Does your child enjoy playing by themselves? Many introverted children have a strong imagination and it is easy for them to get absorbed in independent play. If your child can spend an extended amount of time playing with a certain toy, he or she might be an introvert. Older children may spend ample time alone in their room, doing solitary activities like drawing, reading or playing video games. Introverts get easily drained by socializing and need to recharge their energy by being alone. When your child spends time with other kids, notice how they respond during and afterwards. Do they seem tired, or overwhelmed after being with other kids their age, even if they had fun? If so, they might be an introvert. Do they seem like they can’t get enough interaction and it feels harder to calm them down? It is likely they are an extrovert.

Does your child tend to be more expressive or keep to themselves? When speaking, if your child pauses frequently or seems to be searching for the right words, they might be an introvert. Introverts also tend to be observers, preferring to watch and observe before joining, whereas an extrovert is more likely to jump in and do.

Both sides can have characteristics of the other: introverts can enjoy time with others and extroverts can enjoy their time alone. The key is to notice which your child naturally gravitates towards more. It is important to keep in mind that introversion and extroversion is just one component of your child’s personality.I look forward to writing future posts about the other 3 components of personality types (Sensing/Intuition, Thinking/Feeling & Judging/Perceiving) and how to distinguish between them. 

Why is it important to know if your child is introverted or extroverted? Recognizing your child's personality type will not only help you better understand his or her behavior, but also make you less likely to worry about their differences. If you find yourself frustrated your child isn’t “more outgoing” or wishing she “didn’t have so much energy,'“ that may be a sign that you have opposite inflow/outflow energy needs! When you’re able to recognize that as a wiring difference, you can bridge the gap and find ways to connect that feel authentic for both of you.. 

If you’re raising an introverted child, revel in their quiet ways. Teach them to manage their energy and be aware of their need for alone time. If you are raising an extroverted child, celebrate their need to be around other people or connect with the outside world. The key is to help them understand their introversion or extroversion and channel its gifts.

As a parent, you play a huge role in shaping your child. Reflect on your personality and where you get your energy from.  After reading this, do you have more clarity on whether you and your child are an introvert or an extrovert? What energizes you and what drains you? How would your childhood have been different if your parents had recognized you were introverted or extroverted? How can you adjust your expectations to better fit your child’s needs?

Curious to learn more about how you can connect with your child, despite your personality differences? Contact me to learn more about yourself and how to connect with your child today!