It seems like the term “self-care” is everywhere these days.  From skincare routines to nighttime rituals, I am always intrigued to see what my favorite celebrities and influencers are doing. If I’m honest, it can also leave me feeling envious, frustrated and hopeless sometimes. It is easy to get defensive or worse, self-sabotage, because the things other people are doing for “self-care” require time, energy and money—three things that moms don’t always have and often fluctuate based on what stage of life you are in. Because of this, I’ve been thinking about ways we can take care of ourselves each day that require little time and money.

For context; I am a 34-year old marriage and family therapist who owns an online therapy practice, focusing on anxious/depressed moms and couples. My husband often travels for work, so there a lot of times I am working and managing the house solo.

I’m also a mom to a 6 year old and 4 year old twin girls.

I don’t say these things for pity or to brag, but simply to emphasize that I struggle with self-care because my time is limited. Extremely limited. While I am working to be less busy and more present, it is important to me that I don’t wait until “my girls are older” to take care of myself. What I do now matters for how I show up for them and is modeling how they will take care of themselves in the future.

Self-care starts with noticing where you are right now and saying yes to the things that will fill your cup. For moms, a lot of essential needs (like sleep, eating and) get put on the backburner and quickly lead to anxiety, depression and feelings of overwhelm.

 If you are a loving mom, you likely struggle with fluctuating between feeling guilty for not getting your needs met and frustrated that you don’t have time to do anything for yourself.  It’s easy to lose ourselves in motherhood. It might seem too good to be true, but prioritizing the basics and finding ways to take care of ourselves, even when we don’t want to, can keep us from spiraling.

Taking care of yourself is essential, Mama. Please challenge yourself to think through what is doable right now. How can you make room to ask for support by finding creative ways to make self-care a priority? It might feel selfish or indulgent to make time for yourself, but even the smallest acts of self-care can help to decrease feelings of stress, exhaustion and burnout. I hope one of these tips inspires you or encourages you to take a step forward in your self-care journey, no matter where you are in life.

1)    Set-up a morning and night routine. The front end of setting up morning and night routines can be daunting, but the benefits make it worth your time.  If you hate hearing this advice because you never know where to start, try making your bed every morning! Starting the day by accomplishing something will do wonders for your mindset. Habits that we model make it easier for our kids to implement. It can be as simple as doing things in the same order everyday: eat breakfast, get dressed and brush your teeth. When our kids have clear expectations and know what to expect, it allows for more calm and harmony in your home.  It can feel repetitive to say things over and over, but the more predictable a routine, the more independent your kids will become. If before bed, it’s expected that mom will always do the same thing (e.g. read two books, sings a song, pray), bedtime can become less exhausting and more calm due to consistency. When a clear routine is established, it gives you the assurance you will get some much deserved alone time at the end of the day.

2)    Make sleep a priority. I know, I know—it is SO hard to go to bed at a decent time. Once the kids are down, it is easy to want to stay up late scrolling Instagram, watch tv or tidy up around the house. You need down time to feel like you’re you, not just a mom. Give yourself an hour or 2 to be productive or relax, but try to go to bed between 10- 11. Research shows that sleeping 6-8 hours has enormous benefits for our physical, mental and emotional health. Commit to limiting your screen time by setting a timer or limit on your phone. Every mom I’ve ever worked with that has implemented this rule has shared how helpful it is in falling asleep and aided in decreasing their anxiety.

3)    Exercise daily. Try to do 15-20 minutes/day and work up to 30. It can feel intimidating to try to do daily, so start small and work your way up. No matter where you are starting from, change is possible! Getting outside, walking, doing a quick workout on your phone or simply stretching can go a long way!

4)    Keep a journal. There are SO many benefits to journaling. Keeping a journal can help you create order when your world is feeling out of control. Having space to write down your thoughts and feelings can be revealing and help you track small changes over time. Journaling is known to help reduce stress and anxiety; keep it simple by writing down 3 things you are grateful for every day. Studies show that gratitude lessens stress, anxiety and depression and increases resiliency.

5)    Get alone time when you can, where you can. Ask your partner if they would be up for you adding a “date” with yourself once or twice a month.  Let yourself get a massage or pedicure, read at the park or meet someone for lunch. Put it on the calendar and protect it by scheduling it at the beginning of the month. If a babysitter isn’t in the budget or you don’t have family nearby, try to find ways to be creative in making this a priority. Find a friend that also has kids and ask her if she’d be interested in swapping kids for a few hours so you can each get some time to yourselves. Sneaking in a nap, reading a good book, doing a crossword puzzle, taking a hot bath, coloring or meditating are also options! Self-care doesn’t have to mean doing something luxurious for yourself—it’s about honoring what you want and need.

6)    Connect with other people. Being a mom can feel lonely. Whether you work outside the home or not, sometimes you kids can be the only people you interact with all day and that can feel isolating. Be intentional about communicating with your people. Whether it’s in person or through the phone (e.g. texting, calling or Marco Polo app!), check-in with your people and let them know how you are doing.  If you’re in a new area or in a hard friendship season, push yourself to attend a free class at the library or strike up a conversation with someone new at the park.

7)    See a therapist. Sometimes the biggest benefit of therapy can be having someone to listen that gives you undivided attention for an hour. A therapist’s job is to ask you questions, listen to your needs and help you make changes to improve the quality of your life. It can be stressful and overwhelming to know how to cope; even if “things could be worse,” don’t wait to seek help. Self-care requires both self-awareness and confidence to ask for what you need. A therapist can help you grow these skills so you can feel more connected to yourself and those who matter most to you.

Remember that prioritizing yourself allows you to present the best version of yourself to your family. It doesn’t have to be all or nothing—if you know you’d like to exercise more, start small. If you feel guilty leaving the house for a whole morning, start with an hour. Evaluate what you need/how you feel and slowly implement more. When you notice something brings you joy or gives you energy, observe it and find ways to increase those activities when you can.

Caring for yourself is not selfish, Mama. When you take care of yourself, you fill your cup so you have more to give to your people. It all starts with you, so make yourself a priority. If you are a Mama living in Illinois, Pennsylvania or Ohio, and are struggling with how to take better care of yourself, please feel free to contact me. I’d be honored to support you.

In the meantime, please be kind to yourself. 

 Emily Zeller, LMFT

 If you are looking to heal and grow in your motherhood journey, let me support you with individual or couple therapeutic support.   Simply CLICK HERE to schedule your free consult with me.