How to Be A Better Listener
It is not uncommon during sessions for me to hear clients say things like, “I just wish she/he would listen to me” or “No one cares what I think.” In any relationship, whether it be with family, friends or co-workers, listening and feeling listened to can be challenging. We all desire to be seen and understood. We crave deep connections, but often don’t know how to get there. It can be frustrating to feel like no one listens to your perspective. It’s important to go back to the basics. We need to practice the Golden Rule and “Listen to others like you would want them to listen to you.” Practicing our listening skills can lead us down the path to finding more meaningful relationships.
One of my favorite authors, Harriet Lerner, writes, “Whole-hearted listening is the greatest spiritual gift you can give to the other person.. If we only listened with the same passion that we feel about being heard.” This is a powerful challenge that can be made easier by doing the following things with intention:
1) Put your phone down. It’s best to eliminate all distractions and focus on being present with others. It is hard to listen if you are scrolling through social media or texting someone. Active listening requires that you do not multi-task. If you want to practice truly listening, it starts with being focused on what the other person is saying and putting everything else away. It is better to say, “I need to finish this email and then I’ll focus on listening to you,” then to try to do both at the same time.
2) Listen with your whole body. Maintain eye contact, uncross your arms and lean in towards the other person. Be mindful about listening with your whole body by using nonverbal cues like nodding your head and facing the other person while they are speaking. Most people can “instinctively feel” if someone is listening out of obligation or true curiosity. If you are sincerely interested in what the other person is saying, that will show up in your body language. Try to quiet your mind, open your heart and receive what the other person is saying.
3) Ask open-ended questions. Encourage someone to continue exploring by asking questions that begin with how, why or when. Try your best to ask open-ended questions instead of yes or no questions. Saying things like, “Tell me more about that” or asking “what makes you feel this way” are great ways to continue drawing the person out. Paraphrase to show that you are doing your best to understand with empathy.
4) Do not interrupt! Let the other person finish speaking before you ask questions or tell them what you think. It is hard to be patient when we have questions, but if you want someone to feel truly listened to, it is important to not interrupt. This can make people feel rushed or that you do not care about what they are saying. It takes patience, courage and intention to honor when someone is being truly vulnerable. Create a space that lets someone complete their thought and not feel rushed by staying quiet until they are finished.
5) Reflect to connect. People feel seen when they hear what they said repeated back to them. Ask yourself, “Am I listening to understand or am I listening to respond?” Active listening involves the skill of repeating back what you’ve heard the other person say. Starting sentences like, “It sounds like you are feeling ____” or “I’m hearing you say____” can create the space needed for someone to feel heard. It shows empathy and normalizes what the other person is experiencing. Reflecting what you hear also provides the opportunity for the other person to clarify or expound on what they are trying to communicate.
Good listening requires more than keeping your mouth shut (although that is an important part!) Some couples find it beneficial to use a timer to practice their listening skills. One partner sets the timer and talks for 2 minutes, without interruption, and then the other repeats back what he/she heard before switching roles.
As Lerner said, The challenge is to listen only to understand. We often believe that what we say has the greatest influence in a person’s life, but I would argue that truly listening and allowing someone to feel heard can have the biggest impact. My favorite professor, the late Dr. David Dosser often quoted, “People don’t care how much you know until they know how much you care.” Let’s show the people in our life we care by listening and being fully present for them.
Cheers to active listening & creating deeper connections,
Emily
