Boundary Basics II
In my last post, I described a boundary as being the personal “property line” or separation that symbolizes the things we are responsible for; it draws a limit. Boundaries can be customized to fit your specific situation. You can set boundaries around your relationships, communication, time, physical space, energy, money & emotions. There is a myriad of reasons why people avoid setting boundaries. In my experience, people abstain from setting boundaries because they lack clarity on what they value and try their best to avoid making other people upset.
Unfortunately, sometimes our boundaries can bring up difficult feelings in other people. It is possible that people may react with anger, disappointment or sadness instead of understanding and acceptance. This can be difficult to handle and may initially cause apprehension or regret. It is important to remember that you are the only person who gets to decide what your boundaries are and the role someone plays in your life.
The avoidance of establishing clear boundaries leads to hurt, distance and confusion in relationships. When we take the time to prioritize our values and communicate our expectations, our relationships and more connected and fulfilled. You have the freedom to enjoy safe relationships and to avoid destructive ones. Dr. Henry Cloud says it is helpful to picture a fence with a gate that lets the good in and keeps the bad out when imagining boundaries. Creating clear boundaries gives us the freedom to decide what and who we let in our lives and what and who we keep out. This type of fence building takes forethought, time & energy.
Here are some questions to ask yourself:
What boundaries do I need to make in my current relationships with friends, family, neighbors and co-workers? Where do I need more distance/space? Where could I set a boundary that might be helpful?
What boundaries have I tried to create in the past? What makes it hard to set a boundary? What am I afraid will happen?
What will I gain if I set this boundary? What will I lose if I choose not to set a boundary?
Who are people I feel like I can be myself around? Which people share the same values as me?
Who is it hardest for me to say “no” to and why? Who do I say “yes” to out of obligation?
What do I need to do to make my relationships healthy? Would it be helpful to see a therapist or talk to someone about this?
What would make this boundary setting worth it? How would this improve the situation? What is my ideal outcome?
Take out your journal and let your thoughts flow. Pay attention to what comes up for you as you answer these questions. Remember that things don’t have to be a certain wayand you have freedom to make the life you want! The more aware you become the easier it is to make changes.
