Free Conflict Style Quiz for Couples
Key Takeaways:
Knowing your conflict style can improve communication and help prevent recurring arguments in your relationship.
Knowing both your own and your partner's conflict styles allows you to approach disagreements with greater empathy and flexibility.
If you're looking for personalized support in navigating conflict styles and improving relationship dynamics, consider booking a couples therapy session with me to foster deeper connection.
Picture Sarah and Jake, a couple madly in love but constantly clashing over the smallest things. It’s the kind of pattern where a simple disagreement about chores can spiral into a bigger fight, leaving them both feeling hurt and frustrated. As a licensed marriage and family therapist (LMFT) with over a decade of experience, I’ve worked with many couples like Sarah and Jake, helping them identify their conflict management style and build healthier, more open communication. I created a free conflict style quiz for couples inspired by research from John and Julie Gottman.
This conflict styles relationships quiz is designed to help you see where you and your partner overlap or clash. It’s a quick, easy way to better understand what really goes on in your relationship when disagreements pop up.
Take my argument style quiz ↓
This conflict management styles quiz is designed to help you identify how you handle disagreements—whether in personal relationships or workplace conflict—and gain deeper insight into your patterns of behavior. Drawing on research by Drs. John and Julie Gottman, the quiz highlights your natural tendencies and offers practical tips for managing conflict in healthier, more constructive ways.
While this quiz is a valuable tool for self-awareness and growth, it is not a substitute for professional advice. For personalized strategies, consider consulting a licensed therapist.
The Quiz: Uncovering Your Conflict Style
1. How often do you feel the need to “win” an argument?
A - Frequently
B - Sometimes
C - Rarely
2. When disagreements arise, do you prefer to address issues immediately, or take time to process your feelings?
A - I prefer to address it right away.
B - It depends on the situation.
C - I need time to process before responding.
3. In conflicts, how often do you find yourself focusing on your own needs rather than those of the other person?
A - Frequently
B - Sometimes
C - Rarely
4. When engaging in difficult conversations, do you feel confident setting and respecting boundaries?
A - Yes, I feel comfortable with setting boundaries.
B - I struggle with boundaries in certain situations.
C - I rarely set or respect boundaries.
5. How often do you feel emotions like resentment or frustration during arguments?
A - Frequently
B - Sometimes
C - Rarely
6. Do you tend to ignore or avoid bringing up issues that might cause conflict?
A - Yes, I tend to avoid conflict as much as possible.
B - Only when the issue doesn’t seem worth discussing.
C - No, I believe in addressing issues directly.
7. How often do you try to create a “win-win” solution when faced with disagreements?
A - Frequently, I aim for common ground.
B - Sometimes, but it depends on the person and issue.
C - Rarely, I focus on resolving it my way.
8. Do you feel you compromise too much or too little in relationships?
A - I often feel I give in too much.
B - I try to balance compromise with standing my ground.
C - I feel I could compromise more.
9. After an argument, do you find yourself reflecting on the situation to understand what went wrong?
A - Always, I think through what could have been handled better.
B - Sometimes, but not always.
C - Rarely, I move on without much thought.
Results and Reflection
Use your responses from the conflict style quiz as a cheat sheet for learning about your conflict style and patterns. If you find certain areas where you’d like to improve, remember that learning more about conflict resolution techniques, setting healthy expectations, and finding win-win solutions can strengthen your relationships. Recognizing your approach to conflict can ultimately lead to more productive relationships and greater self-awareness.
Interpreting your results
This conflict styles quiz is meant to give you a window into your fighting styles and offer insight into how you and your partner fight. Remember, there’s no “right” or “wrong” style, and most people find they use different strategies depending on the relationship, situation, environment or concerns involved. Being aware of your behavior, resources, and the ways you and others express needs can help you approach arguments with greater respect and understanding.
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You may prioritize “winning” or steer clear of conflict altogether. These tendencies can lead to unresolved issues or strained communication.
Gottman Tip: Focus on soft start-ups to express concerns gently and engage in repair attempts during heated moments to foster connection. Couples who maintain a 5:1 ratio of positive to negative interactions during conflict are more likely to resolve issues effectively. Compliments, kind gestures, and empathy keep the relationship strong even in tough times.
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You adapt your approach based on the situation. This flexibility is a strength but can sometimes leave underlying issues unaddressed.
Gottman Tip: Practice self-soothing techniques to remain calm and open during challenging discussions. Reflect on areas where healthy expectations can deepen mutual understanding.
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You tend to prioritize connection and work toward solutions that benefit both partners. This is an ideal approach but may require fine-tuning in boundary-setting.
Gottman Tip: Continue seeking common ground while being mindful of personal needs and values to avoid over-compromising.
Conflict is inevitable, but how you talk about it matters most. With practice and self-awareness, you can turn moments of discord into opportunities for growth and connection. If certain patterns feel difficult to overcome, working with a therapist can provide additional support and insight tailored to your relationship dynamics.
How to use your conflict styles quiz to improve communication
When you know whether you’re more of an “avoider,” a “competitor,” or somewhere in between, you can use that insight to navigate hard conversations. Below are tips for each conflict management style to help you form stronger, more respectful interactions.
For Avoiders: Practice Being Direct
If you tend to avoid conflict, try leaning into direct but gentle communication. When something bothers you, choose a calm moment to share. Start with “I” statements like, “I feel ___ when ___” to express concerns without blame. Practicing this can help you build confidence in expressing your feelings and help your partner understand your perspective without needing to guess.
Gottman Tip: Harsh start-ups (e.g., accusations or criticisms) predict conflict escalation. Instead, approach issues gently by expressing your feelings and needs without blame.
Example: "I feel overwhelmed when the house is messy. Could we work on a cleaning schedule together?"
For Competitors: Focus on Active Listening
If you often find yourself in a “competitive” mode during conflicts, where winning or being right feels essential, focus on listening as much as talking. Try reflecting your partner’s words back to them, saying something like, “What I hear you saying is ___.” This helps ensure you understand their concerns before responding. It also fosters empathy and encourages healthy conflict by showing that your partner’s perspective is valued.
For Collaborators: Set Boundaries to Avoid Burnout
Collaborators often try to meet everyone’s needs in a disagreement, but that can sometimes lead to burnout. Set boundaries about what your expectations are and communicate these limits clearly. For example, say, “I’m happy to discuss a solution, but I also need ___ to feel respected.” This helps protect your own needs while fostering a sense of community and respect in the relationship.
Gottman Tip: During arguments, small gestures (humor, affection, or an apology) can de-escalate tension. Gottman calls these "repair attempts." Acknowledging and accepting these bids helps maintain emotional connection.
Example: Saying, “Let’s pause and start over,” or “I didn’t mean it that way.”
For Compromisers: Aim for “Win-Win” Solutions
If you naturally tend to compromise, build on this strength by looking for solutions that meet both you and your partner’s core needs. When you find yourself at an impasse, ask questions like, “What can we both be okay with here?” This approach helps turn differences into opportunities to strengthen the relationship and reduces the feeling like one person has to “give in.”
For Accommodators: Recognize and Voice Your Needs
If you lean toward accommodating, remember that your needs matter too. Practice identifying what you truly need from the conflict, even if it’s difficult, and share it with your partner. You might say, “I know this is important to you, and I want to find a solution. But I also need ___ to feel heard.” This will help you avoid bitterness and bring a greater sense of balance to your interactions.
Gottman Tip: When conflict becomes too intense, take a moment to calm down. This prevents physiological flooding (a heightened stress response) that impairs clear thinking.
How: Practice deep breathing or take a 20-minute break before resuming the conversation.
Using these strategies can help you turn conflict from a source of tension into an opportunity for growth. Recognizing your conflict management styles helps you speak thoughtfully, communicate needs, and create space for both people to feel understood and respected in the relationship.
Final thoughts
Healthy communication and strong conflict-resolution skills are essential for long-lasting, satisfying relationships. These skills help couples navigate misunderstandings, work through differences, and manage stress without letting conflicts drive a wedge between them. Couples therapy can be invaluable for partners looking to improve these areas, as it provides a safe, structured space to explore each other’s perspectives and learn new strategies for handling hard conversations.
I love helping couples understand their conflict styles and learn how to communicate more openly and work through challenges together. My approach is all about meeting you where you are and helping you build skills for mutual respect, empathy, and effective problem-solving. If you’re ready to strengthen your connection and create a healthier, happier relationship, schedule your free consult today with Zeller & Co. Therapy. I’d be honored to support you!
