Here's Why You're Losing Yourself in Motherhood (And What To Do About It)
Key Takeaways:
Motherhood can lead to losing your sense of self, but you can reclaim your identity with intentional steps.
Unrealistic expectations and neglecting personal needs are common reasons why moms feel disconnected from who they once were.
Therapy can help you rediscover your passions, set boundaries, and find balance between being a great mom and a whole person.
Laura had always been a vibrant, energetic person who loved photography and outdoor adventures. She found joy in creative projects, planning weekend getaways, and reading new books, but after her third child arrived, those pieces of her seemed to disappear. Days blurred together with routines of diaper changes, nap schedules, and cleaning, leaving her feeling more like a machine than the curious, fun-loving human she once was. Even when she tried to take a moment for herself, she felt guilty and restless, as though she was doing something wrong. The parts of her that felt hers were buried beneath laundry piles and baby bottles, and she found herself wondering, “Who am I now?”
Losing yourself in motherhood can feel like drifting without an anchor, pulled in every direction but your own. It’s like standing in front of a mirror and seeing only fragments of who you used to be, not knowing if or how you’ll ever put the pieces back together.
Many mothers experience this—juggling endless responsibilities and meeting everyone’s needs while their own desires get set aside. As a marriage and family therapist and a mom of three, I also lost myself in motherhood. I understand both personally and professionally how easy it is for mothers to eclipse the vibrant, unique woman you once knew.
With tools from my practice, including boundary-setting, reconnecting with passions, and prioritizing self-awareness, I help mothers like Laura reclaim their sense of self. In this content, we'll explore the steps you can take to become both a present, loving mom and a fulfilled, whole individual.
Why do mothers feel like they’re losing themselves?
Becoming a parent can bring so much joy, but it also can feel overwhelming, especially if you feel like you’re missing your former life. For many moms, this sense of identity loss becomes clear as spending time on your own needs feels impossible. Raising kids, especially young kids, requires literally everything you have—leaving little mental space for self-care, alone time, or the hobbies you once loved. Many women realize they’re losing themselves and struggle to find a new me that feels just as fulfilling.
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Being a mom means putting your children first, but when you give literally everything to your little family, it’s easy to lose yourself in the process. Whether you have one child, two children, or more, the demands of caregiving can make it feel impossible to reclaim any free time for me time.
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Even if you can find a few hours to focus on yourself, many moms, especially moms with postpartum depression, can experience intense guilt, feeling as though any time away from their child’s life is wrong. Spending time on self-care, hobbies, or a simple book club feels like a betrayal of what it means to be a “good mom.”
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Motherhood can feel isolating, especially if your life changed in ways that make connecting with other women difficult. First-time moms, working parents, or those without a strong support system may wish they could talk to others who understand the same feelings.
This is normal—many mothers feel the same way. Reclaiming yourself takes time, but by carving out quality time and addressing the pressure to be the “best mom,” it’s possible to rediscover joy, self-worth, and a sense of identity beyond motherhood.
Signs that you’re losing yourself as a mom
Becoming a mom is a profound experience, but it can also lead to an identity crisis that leaves you feeling ungrounded. Many moms, especially first-time moms, notice shifts in their sense of self after giving birth. It’s common to feel disconnected from your old self, unsure if you’ll ever feel like the whole human you once were. Here are signs that you might be losing yourself in motherhood:
You rarely make time for your own life or own passions outside of raising your baby.
You feel more sleep-deprived and mentally drained than ever, with little energy for anything.
You can’t remember the last time you connected with other people or enjoyed quality time as your own person.
You often feel guilty for wanting even a bit of time alone.
You feel sad or even a bit of self-pity, sensing you’re a different person since becoming a parent.
You have no interest in former hobbies or new passions that would bring you more joy.
You struggle to recognize the old you and wonder if you’ll find a new version of yourself.
If these signs resonate, know that many moms feel this way, especially in the early stages. Acknowledging these feelings can be the first step toward reconnecting with your best version—as both a mom and a person.
6 ways you can cope with losing yourself in motherhood
After giving birth, many moms feel like they've lost a part of themselves. You may find yourself feeling exactly the same way. The transition into motherhood can feel overwhelming, especially for a first-time mom. Here are some steps to help you feel like a whole person again, while still embracing all the things that make you a great mom.
1. Prioritize “Me Time” Daily
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Start small by setting aside even just a few minutes each day for yourself. Whether it’s a morning coffee ritual, taking a quiet walk, or doing something that brings you joy, a little quality time goes a long way.
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Dedicating time for yourself each day, no matter how short, can help reduce the feeling of loneliness and boost your mental health. It reminds you that you’re not just a mom, but a person with interests and needs.
2. Rediscover Hobbies and Interests
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Explore interests you had before becoming a mother, or dive into something new. Join an art class, start a new fitness routine, or reconnect with old friends—whatever makes you feel more connected to your old self.
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Rediscovering hobbies brings joy and a sense of accomplishment. It’s a reminder that you have passions that go beyond being a mom.
3. Set Simple, Achievable Goals
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Choose small goals that align with your personal growth, such as saving more money, going outdoors, or setting aside moments for self-reflection. Track your progress to keep up your motivation.
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Achieving small goals can give you a sense of purpose beyond raising kids. Reaching these goals reminds you of your capabilities and can reduce feeling disoriented as a new mom.
4. Connect with Friends and Other Moms
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Reach out to friends or join groups with other first-time moms. Chatting with moms who are going through the same experience can help normalize what you’re feeling.
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Sharing your feelings with others can help you feel supported and understood. Knowing that many moms feel the same way makes it easier to accept.
5. Set Boundaries to Protect Your Time
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Practice saying no to commitments that drain your energy and ask for help when you need it. Prioritize what matters most so that you have energy for yourself and your family.
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Setting boundaries is vital for maintaining mental and emotional balance, especially for single moms juggling literally everything. It gives you the space to recharge and reconnect with yourself.
6. Seek Therapy or Join a Support Group
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If you’re struggling, consider finding a therapist or joining a support group. Talking with professionals or peers in similar situations can offer valuable insights and emotional support.
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Therapy provides a space to explore the sense of missing identity many first-time moms experience. It helps you manage the feelings that come with giving birth and guide you back to being the balanced person you want to be.
Taking steps to reconnect with yourself after giving birth can make a real difference in your mental health. By trying even one of these strategies, you’re taking the first step toward rediscovering who you are—not just as a mom, but as the vibrant person you’ve always been.
How therapy can help you reclaim yourself
Motherhood can be incredibly fulfilling, but it also can leave you feeling like a shell of your old self. Therapy offers a dedicated space to address these feelings, helping you rediscover just what makes you feel like a whole person. Whether you’re a single mom, a mother of three sons, or adjusting to life after your first child, therapy can provide the support you need to feel centered again.
One of my clients, Sarah (name changed), a single mom who recently gave birth to her first child, struggled to recognize her old self in the midst of new responsibilities. She worried she’d never feel like “herself” again. In therapy, we explored her core values and set small, realistic goals to reconnect her with her passions. This approach gave her a sense of purpose and a renewed integration between her role as a mom and her personal identity.
Therapy can help moms set boundaries, work through feeling overwhelmed, and rebuild a healthy self-identity. By reconnecting with what makes you, you, therapy can help you feel empowered to embrace motherhood without losing sight of yourself.
Final thoughts
Navigating motherhood can be a mixed bag, and it’s common to feel like you’ve lost parts of yourself along the way. Therapy can help you reconnect with your old self while embracing your role as a mother. In this process, you’ll explore ways to set boundaries, reconnect with past passions, and create space for what you need to feel balanced and fulfilled.
At Zeller & Co. Therapy, I'm here to help you reconnect with who you are—beyond just being “Mom.” Together, we’ll unpack your feelings related to your whole experience, while establishing ways to integrate your values, your experiences and your goals.
