Both/And Thinking
The past several weeks I’ve noticed how often I am working with moms (and reminding myself!) the importance of allowing two things to be true at the same time: you can be happy and sad, you can work hard and rest. You can want space for yourself and crave connection. I think we would all feel better if we would allow ourselves to move from thinking we can only have one or the other to “both/and” on a more consistent basis.
Allowing two things to be true creates freedom for ourselves and others. Building secure relationships depends on both individuals feeling safe, seen and soothed. I can disagree with what you’re saying and understand your point of view. Oftentimes, when we feel flooded with “either/or” thinking, it is because we are reacting to what is happening and assigning personal meaning to the behavior. Dr. Becky provides insight into the difference between convincing (either/or thinking) and understanding (both/and) in her book, “The Good Inside” with, “Convincing has one goal in mind: being right. Understanding allows us to be both curious about and accepting of someone else’s experience.” When we listen to understand, instead of listening to respond, we allow different perspectives to be the center of conversation, instead of focusing on who is right or wrong.
This philosophy of both/and instead of either/or works for all types of things—parenting, friendships, boundaries, work, family, etc. You can be firm in your boundaries and be kind in how you communicate what you need. We can do what’s right for our families and allow other people to make different choices, even if we disagree. We can allow our children to be disappointed when we say “no” to more screen time and show care while not changing our decision.
The both/and mantra can be especially powerful when we are feeling guilty, shame or anxiety with our parenting. When our kids are struggling, reminding ourselves that two things can be true can keep us from spiraling into self-blame OR other blame. It’s easy to think, “I’m a horrible parent; this is my fault. I can’t do anything right, it’s my fault she’s having such a hard time” OR “What is wrong with her? She’s tantrum-ing on purpose—why doesn’t she ever listen to me?!” When we are in this type of spot, we can convince ourselves change is impossible and feel more disconnected than ever.
It is important to separate identity (who we are) vs. behaviors (what we do). This means recognizing that we (or your kids) can be struggling with difficult feelings/behaviors AND it does not define us. Leading with, “I am a good mom and I am having a hard time” creates space for empathy and then allows me to check-in with what I need. Similarly, changing my thought process from “My child is giving me a hard time” to “she’s having a hard time and needs my help" provides the shift to allow two different experiences to be happening at the same time, without taking it personally.
Leading with both/and provides us with space to experience the full range of emotions and other’s perspectives without judgment. When you can, take time to journal and reflect on experiences that have triggered you lately. Is there room to ask yourself if more than one thing can be true? Where do you most notice this type of thinking coming up for you? Where can you shift from “either/or” to “both/and” thinking both personally and in your relationships?
Cheers to giving more grace to ourselves and others,
Emily
