Mom Confessions: What Is A "Good Mom?"

Some of you may know that I am a mom to 3 girls (4, 4, & 6). The first time I became a mom, my oldest had horrible “colic”—like the kind where she cried all day and night for almost 6 months straight. The second time around, I had identical twins. Needless to say, the baby stage was very hard for me each time and I had trouble adjusting. I struggled (and still do) trying to figure out how to take care of myself and give each girl what she needs.

Am I a good mom?

I think this is a question that all moms are constantly asking themselves. I work with a lot of women who are trying to figure out what this new change in identity means. There is no one definition of a “good mom,” but everyone has an idea or picture in their head of what the ideal mom looks like.

Depending on your upbringing, your own mother can be the picture image of what you want to be or the exact opposite. It can be shocking how complicated your relationship with your own mother can become once you give birth. It’s extremely common for the birth of your baby to bring up issues from your childhood you didn’t expect. As you struggle to know how to raise your child, you can feel surprised by how often you find yourself thinking about your own childhood and upbringing.

Will my kid like me? How can I keep the house clean, make dinner and plan the perfect parties like my mom did? How do I have a safe & secure relationship with my child, if I didn’t have that growing up? Depending on how you view your relationship with your parents, this can bring up unexpected anxiety, fear, pressure and uncertainty.

So many adults want to understand their parents and why they made the choices they did. Whether you have a good relationship with your parents or not, it’s important to reconcile your own fears and insecurities so you don’t accidentally repeat those patterns with your own kids. It’s important to sort out what is yours to work through and what isn’t—whether that’s leftover stuff from your childhood or things you’ve unwillingly bought into over the years that you want to get rid of.

This is where talking with a trained therapist can really help. No matter where you are on your motherhood journey, I’ve included a few things I’ve learned along the way (so far!) I have a long way to go, but these are things I frequently remind myself and my clients.

7 Things Good Moms Do

1.  Recognize that each child is unique and your child is not you. It’s easy to have unrealistic expectations of your child without realizing it. Take time to be intentional about learning how your kid operates and don’t take it personally if it’s different from you.

2. Let yourself be honest about what you did and didn’t like about your childhood. Process your experience with your parents and work through any issues you need to instead of avoid them! This can bring resolve and reconciliation in ways you can’t imagine.

3.  Find other moms you can get support from. Having other people you can lean on is essential to surviving motherhood. You need people in your corner who can laugh, cry and encourage you when you need it.

4. Be open to learning from other moms who may parent differently than you do. Just like in every area of life, some people teach you what to do and some people teach you what not to do. If you see someone parenting in a way you like, ask how/why they approach it that way and implement it for yourself. Similarly, you will have a lot of examples of how you don’t want to parent; notice what resonates with you and discard what doesn’t.

5. Don’t be afraid to say you’re sorry to your kids! The easier you can admit your mistakes, the faster they will be able to do the same. Apologizing to your kids is crucial in developing a long-lasting, connecting relationship with them. YOU are their model for saying sorry and learning humility. Listen to your kids, admit when you make a mistake and offer them the grace you want them to give you.

6.  Show up and be fully present when you can. Remember your kid wants you more than anything else—your attention, energy, time and your full presence.* The research shows that 10-15 minutes a day of tuning in to your child is needed for secure attachment. The key is availability and presence: being fully with your child and tuning in to what they need from us. That means phones away and full focus on playing or simply being with your kid.

7.  Take care of yourself, even when it’s hard. I know this can be easier said than done, but you cannot pour from an empty cup. Ask for help when and where you can. Don’t underestimate the benefits a walk, a few minutes outside or alone time can do. Don’t trick yourself into thinking you’re supposed to be able to do it all by yourself. You cannot be a good mom if you aren’t getting your needs met.

Thank you for taking the time to read this. I hope this helps you feel seen and encouraged to be the mom you already are and want to be. If you enjoyed reading this, please don’t hesitate to share it.

If you want to grow and heal your motherhood journey, I’d love to provide you with therapy support. The ups and downs of motherhood are real and working with a therapist  can help! Simply CLICK to schedule your free consult with me to see if we’re a good fit!

Cheers,

Emily

*For more details and extended learning on this important topic, read The Whole Brained Child & The Power of Showing Up, by Dr. Dan Siegel & Tina Payne Bryson